hai ._.

udah lama aku nggak curhat. akhir-akhir ini blog isinya cuma sampah photoshop dan kata-kata usil yang keserimpet di kepala pas sedang berguling gelisah di kasur, mencoba tidur.

akhir masa sma. maaf, kali ini kita lowercase-an ria dulu. akhir masa sma, awal yang baru. glek.

akhir masa sma-ku uneventful, kalian bisa bilang begitu. aku berhasil lulus, sama kayak yang lainnya. aku ga kena snmptn seperti beberapa dari temen-temenku.aku ikut sbmptn, sama kayak ribuan pelajar di indonesia yang lain. aku sama dengan kalian.

tapi tahun terakhir sma-ku sarat kegelisahan. mungkin itu yang nggak sama dengan kalian. awal yang baru ini beban. aku nggak pernah bayangin bakal gini akhirnya.

gini gimana?

gini gimana? gini itu pindah ke sebuah tempat yang jauh dari rumah, ranselmu berat dengan barang-barang dan pernak-pernik yang akan kalian rindukan semisal ditinggal. anxiety-mu memuncak. tempat baru. teman baru. kebiasaan baru.

ahh kedengeranya biasa kan? toh banyak anak kuliah merantau. yakan?

tapi masalahnya bukan di situ. pas aku nulis ini aku di kamar, yang aku tempati selama enam jam terakhir, dengan pikiran yang gak mau diajak kompromi. pikiran ini nggak mau diajak istirahat. tanganku keringetan dan anxiety sialan itu, yang sebenarnya udah ada dari lama hanya baru disadari keebradaannya di tahun terakhir sma, is wrecking my brain, tossing me like rags in a washing machine.

ini bukan tempatmu, katanya.

ini bukan yang kamu mau

kenapa kamu biarkan orang lain memilihkan masa depanmu?

kalian gausah takut. aku belum depressed kok. aku nggak depressed. iya kok aku baik baik saja. mungkin ini proses penyesuaian atau apalah itu. maybe in a few week's time i'll be fine.

tapi aku nggak bisa deny kalau ini emang bukan yang aku mau. salah nggak sih, minta kesempatan untuk memperjuangkan passion-mu? is that too much to ask? mungkin.

aku fully aware kok nulis disini mungkin ada yang baca mungkin tidak. aku nggak minta disemangati. aku cuma butuh ini untuk keluar, gitu aja.

aku cuma pengen bilang that i'm not okay. 

aku cuma butuh fakta bahwa aku mempertimbangkan untuk memulai lagi tahun depan itu, ada saksi bisunya.

udah gitu aja.

photoshop's ruining my life

I was woken up with a seething rage this morning. It was a bitmap of you, black and white, with your arm around her like a shield, pursed lips, half-lidded eyes.

I've never felt so dizzy.

You used to be a safe place for me to retreat when things go wrong, when I want to reach for something but they're just too far away and I couldn't accept that. You and your soulful voice like butter dripping, like waves hitting rocks on a windy Saturday. You and your hazel eyes, brooding in vacancy like you know you've got nothing to lose. The ink on your skin. The glide of your hands on round surfaces, on any surface.

I couldn't have that anymore. You're too different now. Are you even 'you' anymore? Are you the same person I trusted my heart with years ago?

These questions are killing me, and every substance in my veins are loathing the stunts you pulled. But my skin crawls at the thought of losing you forever, even if it's just a consideration.

I hate you. Please come back. Be the person I knew.

Can you hear that? 

I hate you so much, now please slip back into the shell you've long forgotten, so that I can recognise you.

Let me know you once more.

Can Harry stop being a fake ho and start hanging out with Zayn again and leave The Azzoffs and Ben Winston because I need my Zarents -_-

“

1. You are stronger than you realise.
2. You are crueller than you realise.
3. The smallest words will break your heart.
4. You will change. You’re not the same person you were three years ago. You’re not even the same person you were three minutes ago and that’s okay. Especially if you don’t like the person you were three minutes ago.
5. People come and go. Some are cigarette breaks, others are forest fires.
6. You won’t like your name until you hear someone say it in their sleep.
7. You’ll forget your email password but ten years from now you’ll still remember the number of steps up to his flat.
8. You don’t have to open the curtains if you don’t want to.
9. Never stop yourself texting someone. If you love them at 4 a.m., tell them. If you still love them at 9.30 a.m., tell them again.
10. Make sure you have a safe place. Whether it’s the kitchen floor or the Travel section of a bookshop, just make sure you have a safe place.
11. You will be scared of all kinds of things, of spiders and clowns and eating alone, but your biggest fear will be that people will see you the way you see yourself.
12. Sometimes, looking at someone will be like looking into the sun. Sometimes someone will look at you like you are the sun. Wait for it.
13. You will learn how to sleep alone, how to avoid the cold corners but still fill a bed.
14. Always be friends with the broken people. They know how to survive.
15. You can love someone and hate them, all at once. You can miss them so much you ache but still ignore your phone when they call.
16. You are good at something, whether it’s making someone laugh or remembering their birthday. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that these things don’t matter.
17. You will always be hungry for love. Always. Even when someone is asleep next to you you’ll envy the pillow touching their cheek and the sheet hiding their skin.
18. Loneliness is nothing to do with how many people are around you but how many of them understand you.
19. People say I love you all the time. Even when they say, ‘Why didn’t you call me back?’ or ‘He’s an asshole.’ Make sure you’re listening.
20. You will be okay.
21. You will be okay.

”

— 21 things my father never told me

A re-post from Ivy Butler's letter to her imaginary friend.

It mended me, it broke me, it mends me again.