Sunday, 27 September 2015
I was woken up with a seething rage this morning. It was a bitmap of you, black and white, with your arm around her like a shield, pursed lips, half-lidded eyes.
I've never felt so dizzy.
You used to be a safe place for me to retreat when things go wrong, when I want to reach for something but they're just too far away and I couldn't accept that. You and your soulful voice like butter dripping, like waves hitting rocks on a windy Saturday. You and your hazel eyes, brooding in vacancy like you know you've got nothing to lose. The ink on your skin. The glide of your hands on round surfaces, on any surface.
I couldn't have that anymore. You're too different now. Are you even 'you' anymore? Are you the same person I trusted my heart with years ago?
These questions are killing me, and every substance in my veins are loathing the stunts you pulled. But my skin crawls at the thought of losing you forever, even if it's just a consideration.
I hate you. Please come back. Be the person I knew.
Can you hear that?
I hate you so much, now please slip back into the shell you've long forgotten, so that I can recognise you.
Let me know you once more.
Wednesday, 3 June 2015
- You are stronger than you realise.
- You are crueller than you realise.
- The smallest words will break your heart.
- You will change. You’re not the same person you were three years ago. You’re not even the same person you were three minutes ago and that’s okay. Especially if you don’t like the person you were three minutes ago.
- People come and go. Some are cigarette breaks, others are forest fires.
- You won’t like your name until you hear someone say it in their sleep.
- You’ll forget your email password but ten years from now you’ll still remember the number of steps up to his flat.
- You don’t have to open the curtains if you don’t want to.
- Never stop yourself texting someone. If you love them at 4 a.m., tell them. If you still love them at 9.30 a.m., tell them again.
- Make sure you have a safe place. Whether it’s the kitchen floor or the Travel section of a bookshop, just make sure you have a safe place.
- You will be scared of all kinds of things, of spiders and clowns and eating alone, but your biggest fear will be that people will see you the way you see yourself.
- Sometimes, looking at someone will be like looking into the sun. Sometimes someone will look at you like you are the sun. Wait for it.
- You will learn how to sleep alone, how to avoid the cold corners but still fill a bed.
- Always be friends with the broken people. They know how to survive.
- You can love someone and hate them, all at once. You can miss them so much you ache but still ignore your phone when they call.
- You are good at something, whether it’s making someone laugh or remembering their birthday. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that these things don’t matter.
- You will always be hungry for love. Always. Even when someone is asleep next to you you’ll envy the pillow touching their cheek and the sheet hiding their skin.
- Loneliness is nothing to do with how many people are around you but how many of them understand you.
- People say I love you all the time. Even when they say, ‘Why didn’t you call me back?’ or ‘He’s an asshole.’ Make sure you’re listening.
- You will be okay.
- You will be okay.
— 21 things my father never told me
A re-post from Ivy Butler's letter to her imaginary friend.
It mended me, it broke me, it mends me again.
Friday, 30 January 2015
Sometimes, noises make him wants to throw up. They're pounding their way into his head with no delicacy whatsoever. Not like after he drinks a little bit too many red wine at the booth in the corner of darkness to dull the invading exhaustion after classes and jobs. Those are where noises in his life formed themselves. So many blinding colors, stomping under his eyelids that on his most painful hours, he wishes to live in a universe where he doesn't have to long for a peaceful, eternal sleep anymore.