Underline

Clouds floating high above the sky
As it is so heavy
Sweeping the light, leaving thoughts empty
And I am both
Worn and weary, ail insanely

Copper dust
Flicking hoarse sound through the cutting
Blade under rust
And you are both
Mad and sorry, ceaselessly crushed

Would chase what is ahead and behind
Would run and deprive rue and sadness
Would climb and see the horizon
Erupt to a glory beyond compare

But we are nothing
Other than unworthy ruins

Ruins who are
Scared
Damaged
Defeated


~c, b.e.w
October 27th 2013

A Note, A Rant, A Life

Hating life is a constant reminder that you actually live your life....

In the worst state of living. And unfortunately I get that almost everyday because of people around me suddenly act like jerks and I kinda want to give them a square punch on the face or say something really offensive. Like call them bollocks or something.

The thing that I cannot understand is the part when I have to "understand everyone and everything in every situation and why in the world these things happen in the first place", which we know, in the simplest form in society's dictionary as "caring", while "everyone and everything in every situation" that needed to be understood can't be labelled understandable. AT ALL.

Case solved. The world demands you to understand and care and forgivable to others but be hard to yourself. Get that? Harm yourself, eat out your heart, take back your tears and feelings, wreck your brain, bury all your fears, be judgmental to your own feeling,  leave everything you love, tell lies that make people happy but hurt every pore of your sense, crack fake smile, pretend to like what everybody think cool, be someone you're not, dying to be the figure of perfection, because that's okay as long as people happy with that. 

That is what I got. My vision of the world after 15 almost 16  years breathing air and "living".

Like why do we have to care for those who do not bother to even think of what would hurt us and what wouldn't? Why do we have to keep our voices low while they scream, telling us we're not worth it? Why do we have to stop when they told us to stop? Why do we have to be so weak? So damaged?

Why. Do. We. Have. To. Care. So. Much

The nerve. Feels like I'm about to explode. When I read Stephen Chbosky's The Perks of Being A Wallflower, I almost believe.

I mean,

“So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."  

- Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being A Wallflower

But almost, dude. So close but do not touch.

".. we can try to feel okay about them."

Try to feel okay. Not actually feel okay. Well done, Chbosky.
That is when something hit me. Try to feel okay is still better, and different than pretend to feel okay. Even if it's only the slightest, at least it's real. You give efforts to make them realer. And that is good. Better than loathing the past and live in your illusion.

Excellent, Chbosky.

I started to look up at him, after reading this part:

“It's much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and than make the choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do or what they didn't know. I don't know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it's okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. I feel infinite.”

At that time, there is nothing, like literally nothing I wanted to do more than meeting Charlie, and stare straight to his eyes, then ask him: "How does feeling infinite felt like?"

I bet he would go for hours. Or even days. And I wouldn't mind. Because I like fairytales, and the story about feeling infinite is one for me. Something you want to believe, something you can see floating above you, but you could not reach it.

That alone is a treat. But I want to make it real.

I guess I like it better if I can tell someone in the future that I live my teenage years with freedom and infinity. Without thinking too much before saying something. Without going to the side everyone wanted me to go, instead of choosing my own path. Without being so driven. Without having the need to loathe myself. Without counting lies I tell in a day. Without insecurities. Without holding rage. Without hate and grudge. Without feeling so wrong and out of place.

Like Nick Carraway, I feel within and without.

I can't say that I like it that way or not. But the thing to be alive is experiencing something called "not sure" and "in between". So we can try to feel okay about them, like we can try to feel okay about the life itself, right?

Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter—tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther. . . . And then one fine morning—

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past. 

- The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald

The World From The Side of The Moon

Hayhay! Selamat pagi menjelang siang! *gaya Nada, temen sekelas yang kalo maju ke depan kelas gak bisa diem kayak kebelet pipis*

Muehehehe. Saya kangen nge-blog demi apa. Kangen banget kayak waktu dulu kelas 8 semester dua pas pada rajin-rajinnya nge-blog dan komen gak pernah sepi, sampe yang gak penting aja jadi bahan gosip berminggu-minggu. Terus waktu gaya bahasa (?)-nya masih alay alay gituuuu :3

Waktu hidup masih terasa mudah.

Saya tu orangnya sering KSBB. Apalagi kalo habis scrolling tumblr atau denger lagu dan nemu yang nyentuh-nyentuh.

Misalnyaaaaa lagu-lagu di albumnya Phillip Phillips <--- ujung-ujungnya Promosi--"

Albumnya judulnya The World From The Side of The Moon, dan rilis sekitar bulan-bulan seginian tahun lalu. Sebenernya telat sih promosinya, telat setahun. Cuma waktu single pertamanya Phillip Phillips yang 'Home' rilis, tak kira bakal dapet recognition di Indonesia seiring berjalannya waktu. Makanya saya tunggu-tunggu, saya pantau terus views video-nya di youtube, eh udah setahun kok baru 22 juta aja yang nonton. Makanya saya memutuskan untuk jor-joran promosinya sampe bikin editan segala. Tapi itu cerita nanti. Sekarang, kalian harus kenalan dulu sama Phillip Phillips.

Jadi, Phillip Phillips atau Phillip LaDon Phillips Jr, adalah pemenang American Idol season 11 yang mencetak rekor dengan coronation song (lagu kemenangan) berpenjualan terbanyak dan dinobatkan sebagai yang terbaik. Jangan heran, soalnya gak kaya American Idol winner lainnya, genre-nya Phillip paling beda. Kalo yang lainnya pop, dia folk. 

Nah lhoooo. Dor. Erika kan cinta banget sama musik folk (malah curhat-_-)

Phillip lahir 20 September 1990, jadi sekarang umurnya sudah 23 tahun. Masmas agak bapak-bapak gitu. Tapi kereeen indie banget gayanya. LOL

Mau liat mukanya? Sana search google.

Gausah deng. Langsung ke MV aja yaaa. Kalian bakal tau yang mana Phillip. Dia yang nyanyi-nyanyi sambil bawa gitar. As if it doesn't obvious enough._.

Saya suka Home. Suka banget malah. Tapi single-nya yang kedua-lah yang bikin saya jatuh cinta. Judulnya Gone Gone Gone. Yang ini  view-nya baru 10 juta-an

Bagus kan lagunyaaaaa???

Nah selain suka lagunya, saya suka video-videonya dia. Hipster banget, tumblr banget. Sampe bikin editan eh :p

Tadinya gini

Jadi gini. Gak jauh beda sih, hehe

Tunggu ada lagi ada lagi. Yang ini berkat Tutorialnya Nada

Pertamanya udah bagus 

Jadi tambah bagus kan? :p

Oke udah stop. Yang penting phillip Phillips keren kaaaaan? Ayo beli albumnya. Follow twitternya juga yaaa @Phillips :D

Dan okeeee sekarang Erika mau makan siang.

Dadah

Kjshfdwgerghjdsghd

I'm lost. This is bad. I couldn't find myself. This feeling isn't the feeling when you're about to cry. Crying is you plus tears. On contrary, what I feel is me minus something.

Me minus something important.


WHY CAN'T I LIVE MY LIFE NORMALLY FOR JUST LIKE ONE FREAKING DAY???

Baru Balik

Hai teman-teman! 

Saya baru balik, hehe. Tadi habis stalk blog-nya Tita sama Esen, mau stalk blog-nya Dewi sama Naomi tapi gak di invite (huaaa) dan blog-nya Agin pasti nggak di update. Sedangkan saya nggak tau blog-nya Putrika apaan.

Selama ini belum pernah cerita tentang SMA yaa?

Waah gimana ya. SMA-nya nggak favorit favorit banget sih. Muehehehe. Ya itu salah saya sendiri juga. Atau memang ada alasan lain kenapa saya nggak masuk di SMA yang sama dengan SMA teman-teman saya. SMA paling favorit se-Jogja lhoo. Hebat ya? --> malah bangga-_-

Berhubung SMA saya bukan ex RSBI, jadilah kami penjurusannya masih pas kelas sebelas alias setahun lagi. Sumpah nglokro banget harus belajar IPS juga dan akuntansi dan segala macemnya itu. Udah gitu gurunya banyak yang gajelas *eh. Mungkin itu pengaruh guru SMP 4  Pakem yang jelas semua kali ya?

Di SMA, saya masuk kelas X4, yang sementara menempati ruang agama Islam karena sekolahnya lagi renovasi. Jadi nggak moving. Nggak tau deh gimana nasib kami setelah renov-nya selesai.

Nah, balik ke guru. Entah nasib sial apa yang menghantui kami, tapi dua guru yang ngajarnya enak malah mau keluar di tahun kami masuk. Ada Pak Karman, guru fisika yang pensiun September ini. Pak Karman ini guru yang rajin banget. Baik, ramah, ngajarnya jelas, tulisannya rapi, dan hafal materi banget. Bener! Nggak butuh buku kalo njelasin fisika di kelas. Dan kalo ngajar beliau pasti bawa minimal spidol tiga warna. Item, biru, merah. Biar kalo gambar sin cos dan semacamnya jelas bedanya. 

Dan you know what? Pak Karman itu pelopor guru yang menghentikan geng dan tawuran di SMA saya. Yah.. SMA saya punya sejarah kelam. Wakakaka. Tapi sekarang udah ganti dari SMA tukang tawuran, jadi SMA tukang meneliti :p. Dan itu semua berkat Pak Karman, yang 32 tahun ngajar di SMA 6. Sedih banget deh besok kalo udah gak ada Pak Karman. Cuma bisa ngarep dan berdoa supaya dapet guru pengganti yang sama baiknya, atau lebih baik :D

Guru kedua adalah Pak Rudi. Lengkapnya Rudi Prakanto. Aduh nggak kuat ngomongin ini. Saya nggak bayangin gimana sedihnya kalo nggak ada lagi pelajaran yang se ditunggu-tunggu pelajaran Pak Rudi. Pak Rudi itu guru terlucu yang pernah saya temui. Guru paling narsis, heboh, gaktau malu, tapi kerreeeen B)) Jadi, pak Rudi tuh guru pelajaran Biologi dan Dasar Penelitian, mapel yang dijamin cuma ada di SMA 6 Jogja. Dan nggak sampe di situ, Pak Rudi ini mewajibkan beberapa lomba karya ilmiah dan Essay yang menjadi sumber nilai mapel DP (bukan Dewi Perssik lho ya, Dasar Penelitian). Jadi, penggagas tagline: "The Research School of Jogja" itu ya Pak Rudi, yang dengan segala ambisinya cuma butuh satu kalimat biar murid-nya ikut lomba. "MPC WJB." Alias, "Mboh piye carane, WAJIB." Gubrak deh.

Dan Pak Rudi ini keluar dari SMA saya karena dipindahtugaskan sebagai Kepala Sekolah di entah sekolah mana. Terus, barulah saya tahu pas upacara Senin kemaren kalo Pak Rudi ini masuk sepuluh besar guru berprestasi di Indonesia. Padahal nek neng kelas senengane narsis--" Ungkapan yang mengatakan orang berprestasi kebanyakan eksentrik itu ternyata benar. Sekolah lain pelajaran Biologi udah sampe materi keberapa, kami malah disuruh buat donat. DONAT. Kalian tau? Iya, itu, donat yang buat dimakan. Emang donat apa lagi? Cuma syaratnya donatnya harus dicampur bahan yang bukan kentang. Kelompok saya kebagian pisang.

Terus gimana dengan pelajaran biologi-nya? Entah. Mungkin harus menunggu.

Nah, itu deh sementara ceritanya. Next time sambung lagi yaaa :)